i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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