woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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