My cat gives me a boner
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
