got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
