it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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