I like my sex mixed with concussions.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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