That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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