It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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