I wannas sexs uuuuu
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
