i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
