Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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