its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
