I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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