I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
