Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
