I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
