I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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