Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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