watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
