She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
