im about as happy as oj after his trial
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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