I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
