I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
