I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i used baking grease as lip gloss
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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