i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
