Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
