i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
A bitchslap is in order.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
