I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize