Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
