That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
