I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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