I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
