So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
