I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
