the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i wish my penis had a tongue
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
