drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
