I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
