I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
