i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
