My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
