If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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