My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think my moral compass just broke
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
