Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize