I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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