Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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