YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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