So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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