Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
