drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I want her autograph on my taint
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
