In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
