my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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