Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
