I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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