somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
