he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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