Just mADE A PArabola og urine
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
