i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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