she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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