I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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