i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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