Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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