maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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