The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
