I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
