when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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