My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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